The Sparkly Blue Retainer…A Parable

I'm probably misusing the term "parable" but I kind of don't care. Anyway...When I was a kid, I had braces.  My teeth were a hot mess, so on they went when I was about ten or so.  I had a love/hate relationship with them, and a year and a half later, I got them off. With my new freedom came...the retainer.  So I guess "freedom" isn't the word for it.  I mean, I could eat peanuts and chew gum again to my little heart's content, and instead of this:Let's be fair...no one looks this good with metalmouth.I looked like this:Her, either.But to hell with it, at least they weren't braces!  I was told I had to wear the stupid thing all the time at first, 24/7, so I figured I'd like to at least like my new torture device. So when they came in to take the mold for it and they asked if I wanted glitter, of course I said...
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Father’s Day

Since I thoroughly embarrassed my mother for Mother's Day, I figured what the heck and decided to do the same for my dad. Where should I start? I should begin by saying that I'm an only child, but my dad--a manly half-Italian guy with a 70's pornstache--never seemed to mind being outnumbered by women.  Nothing was deemed too manly or girly; he'd play games with me, and he taught me to drive a stick-shift.  I have some mad Cribbage skillz (yes, skills with a "z" because I'm badass like that) because of him.This is James Franco. My dad doesn't look like James Franco, but the mustache is similar. My dad's 'stache is more spectacular, however.We share the same nose (all the better to smell you with, my dear), and even a weird little gap between two side teeth that appears to be genetic--in pictures of his mother, I've seen that she had it, too.  I'll even go so far to...
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